I feel like I've grown up, or at least, stretched wiser.

"I’ve tried my best; so where did I go wrong?"

The question was played over and over in my head like a bad tape (not that anyone uses tape anymore. Perhaps that’s why it’s gone bad). Don’t worry, I’m not grilling myself over a break-up. A break-down, now that is much more imminent.

And like most people who ask these questions in their heads – although unlike them I’m not pointing a revolver towards my naked spouse and his secretary – it soon hit me that I have not been trying my best. I have been trying too hard.

I have been exerting myself to write a column that is argumentative, analytical and intelligent. I have been working too hard to fulfill the expectations of those who believe that I could do it. I have been aiming for people to sit up and take notice in whatever I’m writing. I have been dying to make a difference.

I have also been getting throbbing headaches, a lack of appetite, and some serious honks for swerving into others’ lanes without realizing it.

Worse, I have heard disappointed sighs – from me, my editor, and I’m pretty sure, from my readers.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

Admittedly, it shouldn’t be easy either. There’s gotta be some sweat and grueling hours involved when you’re given the mandate to Write What You Believe In. Upon knowing that I will be getting my own space in the paper, and after doing a victory dance that I have no intention to repeat, I told myself, “Steady now. It’s gonna be hard. There’s going to be writer’s block, criticisms, lots of research, sleepless nights thinking of a powerful lead… all that jazz.”

Except I got heavy-metal. That threw me off balance. It should be hard, but not this hard.

I mean, writing under this pressure is not fun. And fun is the perk in writing – if you take out the fun, then all you really get is perhaps uninspiring pay and hours of confinement in front of the computer.

The frustrating part is not that I didn’t write well enough. The frustrating part is that right now, I have no idea how to make my column better, so that it’s worth readers’ time. They say, write what is closest to your heart. Write what you believe in. Write with honesty.

I thought I was doing that. I really do.

Or maybe it was all syok-sendiri.

But you know what, despite my disappointment in myself, I want to see how far I can go. There are some who think that I can’t do it. Maybe they are right – but I’d be damned if I ever admit it.